The Positive Parent Project bases all its trainings on the Positive Discipline approach to child-raising. Our work is founded on the principle that for children to become responsible, respectful and resourceful members of their communities the way parents interact with their children needs to reflect these same principals. 

Positive Discipline focuses on bringing out the best in children and ourselves in a way that is deeply respectful and encouraging for both children and adults. It intends to give children a healthy model to copy as they move out into the world and interact with those around them. We believe the role of the parents and child-carers in each child's life is to teach them social- and life- skills in a manner that is respectful, nurturing & kind to both the children and the adults.

Positive Discipline is an approach to child-raising works on the premise that for children to 'do' better, first they need to 'feel' better (instead of being made to feel worse; in fact aren't we all like that too?) and that there are no bad children, just some bad behaviours that need to be moulded into good ones. We want parents to be healthy, strong guides and mentors for their kids and we want children to WANT to do good and WANT to maintain a strong, happy relationship with their parents at all costs (instead of being forced to or having to). So we believe that adults need to treat children with firmness, respect AND kindness at the same time maintaining a balance that is neither permissive nor punitive (and not swinging from one side to the other with inconsistency either!). 

The five criteria for using Positive Discipline.
Ask is what we're doing..?
1. Mutually respectful and encouraging? (Kind and firm at the same time.)
2. Helping children feel a sense of connection? (am I building a sense of belonging, importance and love in my child?) 
3. Effective long-term? (am I considering what my child is thinking, feeling, learning, and deciding about himself and his world and what to do in the future to survive or to thrive or am I just dealing with this very moment?)
4. Teaching important social and life skills? (am I modelling respect, concern for others, problem solving, and co-operation as well as the skills to contribute to the home, school or larger community?)
5. Inviting children to discover how capable they are? (Am I encouraging the constructive use of personal power and autonomy in my child or shutting them down?)

Five components of Connective Parenting 
(source http://bonnieharris.com/connective-parenting/):

1. Unconditional acceptance of the child provides a strong foundation for self-confidence. Connective parents understand that children come into the world whole and ready to absorb—but on their own time schedule and with their unique way of learning. We gain the greatest understanding of our children by listening and watching each child’s developmental process. It is in this place that children thrive and a parent’s influence is strongest.
2. Respect teaches respect. The connected parent acknowledges and is considerate of her child’s agenda whatever it is. She sees that what is of interest to her child is just as important to him as what is of interest to her. Emotions and desires are always acceptable and acknowledged even when the objects of interest cannot be granted.
3. All children (all people, actually) want to do the right thing and will do so as long as they can. If the child is not in a receptive state, she will not learn. In other words, she must want to learn and hear what is being taught. It should never be assumed that just because she is your child, she will do what you want. Resistance means that she is having a problem, not being a problem. There is an obstacle in her way of doing what she knows is right. It is that obstacle that must be addressed in order for behavior to change.
4. Behavior provides clues for a parent to understand what is going on with his child; what it is that provokes his child’s behavior. There is an underlying need that results in unwanted behavior. If the behavior is addressed with rewards or punishments, that underlying need is missed, and the behavior must get louder and more dramatic in an attempt of the child to be heard. Behavior should never be taken at face value.
5. Punishment is never effective. Even consequences, the “pc” word for punishment, are usually threats and lay conditions on behavior….”If you don’t do…, you can’t do….” Connective parenting relies on problem solving and conflict resolution to truly hold a child accountable and responsible. When threats and blame are not used, defensive behavior is unnecessary and the child is free to see the true consequences of his behavior, state his side of the story and work out a compromise that works for all involved. Again, it is about the relationship. If your spouse speaks rudely or ignores you, you wouldn’t threaten to take his cell phone away or prevent him from playing golf this weekend. You would attend to the relationship.

- See more at: http://bonnieharris.com/connective-parenting/#sthash.eEb0yUK5.dpuf

I seem to get asked at least 2-3 times a week how I cope with so many kids and appear to always be smiling. Firstly to clarify, I am NOT always smiling! But it IS true that my most usual 'state' is one of happiness. I recently asked my hubby why people kept asking me this and he made me realise that it's because there  ARE actually things that I do that bring this state about... So here are a few of them in case you feel drawn to adopting some of them too...

1. I CHOOSE to love my life and I make decisions that prioritise and honour that choice every day (we ALWAYS have a choice!). It means I say no to lots of things and I let go of various options if they are not aligned with my number one priority which is to be happy!

2. I build a buffer of time into everything I do (I do this 80% of the time because I hate to be rushed and stressed).

3. I find ways to bring fun or joy to as much of my day as I can (playing uplifting music, driving a scenic route to where I'm going if it's possible, being silly and playful with my kids, working in beautiful places, moving my body in fun and invigorating ways).

4. I spend time getting to know myself and understanding what I want and need and then finding ways to make all that happen.

5. I delete or delegate the tasks that really bring me down or I find a way to enjoy them more (ie. Don does much of our shopping because I hate doing it and he bizarrely enjoys it. I on the other hand love driving so I do most of the kids lifting and taxiing about which he does not enjoy at all).

6. I spend time in nature every SINGLE day!

7. I try to look for the lesson in everything 'bad' that happens to me.  

8. I keep control of my mind and try to catch it when negativity sets in. I examine the thought and then I decide if there is anything I need to do to make it better and if there is, I take action and if there isn't I choose a new way of looking at the situation that works better for my mood.

They’re going to grow up… that’s a fact. A fact that brings me such joy and yet such gut-wrenching sadness at the same time. Is that wrong? It does indeed seem wrong to my mind but the truth is that when I think that one day my five children will want to leave us and go live their dreams it all feels just so bitter-sweet. Can you relate?​ These days may seem so long but they are actually so very fleeting.

Of course I want them to grow up, follow their hearts and live the most happy and joyous life they can. In fact I believe this so much that I tell them all the time that the only thing I really want them to focus on is knowing themselves, trusting themselves, understanding what makes them happy and building a life that centres on their joy and the true impulses of their heart… after all, isn't the only thing we really want for our kids happiness? I don't worry so much about how they do at school, what grades they get or if they get a detention. I worry that they stay connected to their own spirit, that they know what works for them, that they dare to speak their truth and that they think for themselves. 

But surely that could mean they move on to the other side of the world one day following their heart or that they could embrace a career or start a business with such passion that they have little time to see us. They may fall in love with their chosen one and follow them all over the world or work for a cause that takes them somewhere dangerous and very far away… all this does indeed make my heart sink as much as it swells for them (of course they could also fall in love with the boy or girl next door and live on our farm forever happily ever after (hehee!)).

But right now how can my every day be filled with so much of them… of their needs, of their feelings, of their growth… and know that one day that will all end? Oh dear me, am I THAT mother?! The one that is so consumed with her children that she has no life of her own?! Probably… and I’m ok with that. Seeing their little hands grow from squishy and fat to long and graceful, watching the drama, joy and pain of losing their first tooth, simply holding the space for daily meltdowns, insecurities, worries, rages, joys, creations, discoveries, and triumphs… I find it such an incredible journey that the truth is I don't want to have time to do much else!

Many of my clients tell me they feel there’s so little obvious reward for all the hard work we mothers put into our children on a daily basis and it can all feel so ungratifying in the moment. I wholeheartedly agree. Sometimes I feel like I’m wasting so much time and am bringing nothing of value to the day and yet one day they will be grown up and that will be a reward I can barely conceptualise at this moment. Who will they be? What will they do? I don't know but we will have GROWN a human being. That’s amazing!

Just like growing a garden it can all seem so un-obvious at the time when the seeds are in the ground or even when just the little sprouts are showing. But in ten or twenty years time if that garden is continued to be taken care of it will have flourished into a beautiful landscape where once there was nothing. Isn't that what we’re really here to do? To provide these little seedlings of ours with the environment, love and care they need to take root and fully blossom into the unimaginable potential that is shimmering within them from the day they are born? And yes, the truth of that is that one day those seeds, which were never actually ours to begin with, will blow away on the breeze of their magical life and will re-seed themselves elsewhere.

And where will we mothers be? We’ll be blessed with the knowledge that we’ve taught them the intangible yet movingly profound experiences of what it feels like to be loved, we’ll have invaluably given them their first feelings of security, trust, respect and care upon which they’ll pin all their future expectations for the same from others… isn't that all something truly amazing? Did we even know we were capable of such great acts of kindness, love and compassion? I sure didn’t. What an honour they have blessed us with and isn't that enough to last us a lifetime no matter what comes next? I feel so.

With great love,

Ginny J

"There is no place for punishment in Positive Discipline. Why? Hundreds of research projects have demonstrated that punishment is NOT the most effective way to teach positive outcomes. Instead it hurts, it makes others feel bad, and it uses fear as a motivator. Then why would so many parents use punitive or abusive methods? Simple. They believe it works and that they are “doing something” instead of allowing their children to “get away with” misbehaviour. Punishment provides release for their anger and frustration too. Others use punishment because they are conditioned from past experiences and lack of knowledge and skills to use different methods. They believe that a spanking or grounding or taking away privileges is the best way for children to learn. They are convinced children must suffer to learn.

Kindness and Firmness at the Same Time
by Jane Nelsen

Rudolf Dreikurs taught the importance of being both kind and firm in our relations with children. Kindness is important in order to show respect for the child. Firmness is important in order to show respect for ourselves and for the needs of the situation. Authoritarian methods usually lack kindness. Permissive methods lack firmness. Kindness and firmness are essential for Positive Discipline.

Many parents and teachers struggle with this concept for many reasons. One is that they often don't feel like being kind when a child has "pushed their buttons." Again I want to ask, "If adults want children to control their behavior, is it too much to ask that adults learn to control their own behavior?" Often, it is the adults who should take some Positive Time-out until they can "feel" better so they can "do" better.

Power struggles create distance and hostility instead of closeness and trust. Distance and hostility create resentment, resistance, rebellion (or compliance with lowered self-esteem). Closeness and trust create a safe learning environment. You have a positive influence only in an atmosphere of closeness and trust where there is no fear of blame, shame or pain.

IT TAKES TWO TO CREATE A POWER STRUGGLE.

I have never seen a power drunk child without a power drunk adult real close by. Adults need to remove themselves from the power struggle without winning or giving in. Create a win/win environment. HOW? The following suggestions teach children important life skills including self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation and problem-solving skills -- instead of "approval junkie" compliance or rebellion.

Since a misbehaving child is a discouraged child, the obvious solution for misbehavior is encouragement. Often it is not necessary to deal with the misbehavior. Instead, help the child feel encouraged, significant, and a sense of belonging, and the misbehavior will disappear. 

One-on-one time doesn’t have to be long, but should be a small commitment of devoted time for you and your child to be together alone. It is meant to be child-led and will make an incredible difference in maintaining healthy behavior and turning “misbehavior” around. Keep it light and fun—save corrections and heavy topics for another time.

Establishing and maintaining special time with your children puts you on the fast track to minimizing power struggles and does more than anything else to “fill up the tank” of belonging and significance... 

Inviting Cooperation—10 Alternatives to “No”

EXAMPLE: The child says,
“I don’t like this shirt! I want a different one!” (early morning)
or
“I want a cookie! Can I have a cookie, please, please, please?” (evening, before dinner)

1. Set clear expectations:
“You may switch shirts as soon as you have finished eating breakfast.” “You may have a cookie after you have finished your dinner.”

2. Respond with a question:
“What is it you don’t like about this shirt?” “When do we usually have dessert?”

State a given (i.e., a rule or condition):
“That is the shirt you chose to wear today.”
“In our family, we have dessert on the weekend.”
Do not defend or explain, simply continue to restate the rule... 

A letter and response about Temper Tantrums with Jane Nelson (author of the Positive Discipline series)

Dear Dr. Jane,

I don't know what has gotten into my three-year-old. She has always had a bit of a temper, even when she was an infant. But she was also a sweet, happy and cheerful little girl. She was very obedient and willing to learn and please. Now she has tantrums for everything. Here are some examples:

Rudolf Dreikurs taught the importance of being both kind and firm in our relations with children. Kindness is important in order to show respect for the child. Firmness is important in order to show respect for ourselves and for the needs of the situation. Authoritarian methods usually lack kindness. Permissive methods lack firmness. Kindness and firmness are essential for Positive Discipline.

Many parents and teachers struggle with this concept for many reasons. One is that they often don't feel like being kind when a child has "pushed their buttons." Again I want to ask, "If adults want children to control their behavior, is it too much to ask that adults learn to control their own behavior?" Often, it is the adults who should take some Positive Time-out until they can "feel" better so they can "do" better.