10 Alternatives to "No!"

Inviting Cooperation—10 Alternatives to “No”

EXAMPLE: The child says,
“I don’t like this shirt! I want a different one!” (early morning)
or
“I want a cookie! Can I have a cookie, please, please, please?” (evening, before dinner)

1. Set clear expectations:
“You may switch shirts as soon as you have finished eating breakfast.” “You may have a cookie after you have finished your dinner.”

2. Respond with a question:
“What is it you don’t like about this shirt?” “When do we usually have dessert?”

State a given (i.e., a rule or condition):
“That is the shirt you chose to wear today.”
“In our family, we have dessert on the weekend.”
Do not defend or explain, simply continue to restate the rule... 

3. Check out a child’s knowledge or understanding: 
“What needs to happen before we leave this morning?”
“What needs to happen before can we have our dessert?”
If the child says, “I don’t know.” Ask, “Would you like help remembering?” 

4. Invite cooperation: 
“Let’s figure out what needs to happen before we are ready to leave this morning.”
“I need your help. Can you figure out which plate to serve the cookies on after dinner?” 

5. Limited choices: 
“You may change your shirt now or after breakfast.”
“It is dinnertime now. When we are finished eating, would you like to have cookies before we clear the table or after? 

6. Negotiate an agreement: 
“Would you like to change shirts before or after you gather your school things?” Restate the agreement: “After changing shirts, you agree to gather all of your things for school.” (Some families shake on it)
“Would you like to clear the table before or after having your cookie?” “So, before/after you have your cookie, you agree to clear the table.” 

7. Follow through: 
Once an agreement has been reached, honor it by following through. When the shirt is changed, return to the child and say, “Time to gather your things.” Or “Time to clear the table.” Do not argue or lecture, calmly and simply restate the task. 

8. Say what it is that you want:
“I want breakfast eaten before you change your shirt.” “I want to eat cookies after dinner.” 

9. Just say yes: 
“Yes, its fine to change shirts right now.”
“Yes, you may have one small cookie now, and one small cookie after dinner.” 

10. Distraction: 
Redirect child to something new. Find another activity that is enticing. (Especially if the child is under two years.) 

By India de Kanter and April Geiger, Positive Discipline Association